My “used to be”

Sai mom knows how I used to be,just wishing that everybody becomes the way I want them to otherwise I would feel pathetic.

I felt so hurt when anyone asked to change myself that I couldn’t control but cry..

My knowledge was limited to “I am what I am” and that is final .(but not for others..they should change because they are wrong staying the same)

Mostly,all of us are stuck in this belief that we CAN NOT change our traits.

Actually, the thing is WE DON’T FEEL THE NEED TO change certain aspects of us,
as it will collapse our illusionary safe chamber of “what we believe we are”

Its a fact  that we are always in a process of changing but most of the times we don’t do it consciously.

But mind the difference..
“We CAN’T CHANGE or We DON’T WANT TO”

And the person hurting us feels the same (so we fight, fight ,fight and die 😂)

We may face pain and hurt but still our attitude towards a certain situation remains the same.

And that is ok.

As it is said.. 
you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

We don’t want to see if there is something wrong with us, when we have the other easier option “to just blame the world for that”.

And trust me it won’t help.

It didn’t help me.

You can blame anyone all you want for long and you will still be in pain.

You will wonder why world doesn’t understand you.

But here you need to ask yourself darling, forget the world do YOU understand yourself??

I kept drowning the pillow in my tears, as me and my boyfriend had a lot of fights because we both thought some traits in us “can’t be changed”

IF YOU NEVER CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING MISTAKEN IN YOUR PERCEPTION THEN YOU ARE DIGGING A GRAVE OF LONELINESS AND PAIN FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF.

Exactly what I was doing,untill Sai snatched away “the spade” from my hands and shook me to wake upto reality.

Again it comes to insight ,you have to have a little bit of that stuff to know what to change and why to change.

And that is really a gift from Almighty if anyone has that.

After you address there is something to be changed in yourself then ask the question why?

Why to change?

           ITS FOR YOUR OWN

                    HAPPINESS 

            NOT ANYBODY ELSE’S

Stop there ,if you think you should change for OTHERS.

This is even more devastating than not changing at all.

Don’t force the change unto you, if the reason is something else than your own peace.

I have changed alot of behaviour patterns inside me.
(You can add “S” and “A” before “I” in this statement)
But initially ,it was an illusion of  change, as I thought I have to change because I was forced to change in my relationship.

I changed (just thought I did) ,I gave my then boyfriend (and now husband) space that he needed but just to wait for a few days and fight and tell him that “How much I have sacrificed for him , how much I CHANGED FOR HIM”.And ofcourse repeat this cycle on and on.

It doesn’t count as a “change” when you keep stating that you changed for someone else and don’t like that change at all.
You change ..when you know you are not doing anybody a favour but yourself by letting go of your traits that hurt you.

SAIBABA HELPS

He made me see myself as I am…
I saw the dark aspect of me ..how it hungered for my jealousy and hatred towards my own people.

I didn’t give them space as I BELIEVED “I love them alot” Little did I know what actually “love” is ..
Beliefs can be soothing and dangerous at the same time.

When someone told me “you are possessive”, I did not mind it, as I had this thought deeply embedded in my mind “possessive is good ,as it means caring too much” 

REALITY HITS HARD

 I was gossiping once and I told my friend” I am not happy the way my husband treats me, prioritising some friend of his over me, which he was doing since last 6 years.”

When Baba instills that insight in you and you lie ..you REALLY FEEL your lie.

And by FEELING I mean You really feel it inside that you are telling all lies to gain sympathy and scary thoughts come in your mind” what if these lies turned into truth.”

As my brother said once”You pretend and keep shouting how much pain you endure..to gain sympathy ,but beta don’t let your lies be so strong that they turn into reality soon”

I was so happy with my husband and there I was telling my friend that I am not happy.
I took a cab to come back to my room from my friend’s place.

And that cab ride was kind of the moment when Saibaba made me realise the grievous nature of the path I was treading.

I knew in my heart how happy I was with him..except for a few moments.

I felt jealous when I saw him giving his attention to any girl whom i didn’t know much.
I can’t and shouldn’t deny my feelings.
But I was not accepting them either.

What I was doing was just magnifying the hurt to the extent ..that I started denying my happiness…
…living only in that one moment of hurt, made me a thousand times more miserable than before.

I never considered we can accept our most painful feelings and not get bitter about it.

I never considered praying to change ME ,I knew Saibaba would do anything for me to change for good.
But still my prayers were to “change my husband” as I felt I have the right to be possessive.

God, its so hard to face the truth ,you know it already but you do everything to run away from it.
Untill ofcourse Sai baba decides to make you REALISE.

Realisations are different than knowing or understanding.

You may “know” or “understand” things but not apply them in real life but what realisations do, is they change you from within.

You must have noted certain situations that shift you from one reality to another, totally.
And you can’t go back after that.
Well realisations have that impact on you.

And they ,if turn you towards happiness, prove to be a blessing.

Saibaba or any guru waits for that moment.

They just want you to be ready to give up things you are holding on to so tightly that your hands have no space and energy left to hold happiness.

He makes you strong enough to see the truth “truth” , not the one you keep telling yourselves.
I was praying from 6 years to change this situation for me but it seemed Saibaba was not listening to me..
Actually I was not listening to him..that by not changing the situation he meant to change me.

And finally with this realisation ,I prayed Baba to set me free from this trait of mine…
jealous and insecure.

“I want to be happy Baba”

Before this can happen,he will develop that faith in you that you can say this..

“I trust you that if you want me to let this (insecurity) go ,then I am letting it go as its in my best interest”

And lo! like he was waiting for this , he cheerfully blessed me with tathastu.

Baba Sai has the way to alter your thinking.

If you are dedicated to him ,he considers it his duty to change you for good.

It needs surrender.

I am not so good at surrendering.(Hell,I don’t even realise what it means)

And yes, I am good at hoarding emotions and grudges.(well atleast there is something I am good at 😅)

But Baba knows the trick to make you discard the old rags of misery and help you to look at life from a different perception, changing you slowly.

WITH SAI,
REALISATIONS BECOME YOUR                                          LIFESTYLE

If you want to change yourself for good.
Be it getting out of the addiction of lies ..insecurity…anger…hatred…sleep..food ..anything at all.

Don’t worry  that you have to do this alone.

                     Sai hai na!

Just cling to his feet ,he will do what is needed to be done at this hour…

…to change THIS SITUATION or to change YOU.

You can share your experiences with all in the comments section.I will be delighted to hear from you.

Keep loving him in your own way.😍
Sai blessings ,stay safe.

Om sairam🙂