Being a “cry kid“
I was too shy most of my early years , I expressed alot through my words but everything except my emotions.
If I was scolded ,I cried.
If I failed ,I cried.
If I was treated rudely, I cried.
If I was nervous ,I cried.
If I missed someone ,I cried.
😂 It was like I knew only one thing to let it all out ..CRY.
And when I grew up , I started feeling too ashamed to be seen crying like a child ,so I confined “my crying spells” to the boundaries of my room.
But I seldom asked someone to hear me out.
I never told them how hurt I felt with their behaviour or some situations.
Self reflection
I read a para on a blog ,”you have to talk to yourself if something is bothering you from a long time…
..Be honest and talk to yourself why its surfacing again and again.
Maybe it needs you to take some strong steps to change something in your life or yourself.”
I talk to myself by journaling.📒
I do it often ..I write each emotion whether its too bad or shameful.
And I answer to my own questions as honestly as I can.
I wrote ..
Q.What is bothering me?
Ans.I feel choked when try to express how hurt I felt with someone.And this has become an issue now.
Q.Why exactly ..any reason?
Ans.I find myself saying to me ..that they won’t understand.
QWhy??
Ans. Because they didn’t in past.
QYou tried ??
Ans. Yes.
Q:Then what went wrong??
Ans:They didn’t understand or did not care enough.
Q: Why didn’t they understand? What can be the reason behind this?
Ans.Two reasons :
1.They didn’t care maybe that’s why they did not want to understand.
2.Or I did not express my emotions correctly.
Ok first one can’t be the case ..mostly they were the closest people.So yah they cared.
Q.Then were your expressions healthy??
Ans.No..not exactly..
…I found a pattern…..either I was too silent or I was too loud ,either way I wasn’t audible to the people.
I was too silent initially…silent when anybody scolded me…silent when they doubted me.
Actually you just think you are silent…
but you know its not silence when you shut your mouth and your mind is about to explode with the negative thoughts.🤐🤯
Later I tried a new way..
…I started bombarding the bombs💣 that I fueled so many years, on people whom I thought had hurt me one way or another.
Well this too didn’t go well.
Let me tell you.. I am the kind of person who cries when she gets hurt ,and when she hurts others ,she feels the same tears rolling down her eyes.
So,the conclusion was my “illusionary silence” and my thrown out bombs were hurting ME eventually.😖
And that’s when I started to think of a healthier way to express myself.🤔
REASON
To change some trait of yourself you need to delve deeper and work on the reasoning of your mind and correct it.
And this “delve deeper part” is totally credited to Baba Sai in my case.
Reason behind me shutting away from the world:
●I had experienced ..people ,instead of understanding me, judged me.So, I left sharing my pains living in a belief “they won’t understand”.😪
●I thought I may seem weak in front of people who saw me as a strong girl.
I couldn’t dare to let them see how confused and vulnerable I can be sometimes.
●I wanted some people to just know ..”which things hurt me ” even when I don’t tell them.
I thought..how come I can intuite what they feel,then why can’t they too?”
Baba gave the insight into each reason.
TRUST PEOPLE
“You were judged in past ..doesn’t mean you will always be judged.
Someone scolded you doesn’t mean the whole world will scold you.
You have to start trusting people again ..my child.
You can’t live like this ..thinking that the whole world is against you.
I have provided you with the exact people you needed.
Some might hear you out but won’t be able to say their truth to you.
Some might judge you and leave you but still made some good memories with you.
Don’t you go on seeing the whole world with the critic lens👓 if few of them made you wear that.
They all had something to offer you ..some beautiful smiles ..some pains ..some lessons ..some love.”
This lens is called past conditioning.
If one person breaks your heart you give up sharing that kind of bond with anyone again.
(Its called Over generalisation in psychology)
Keep the lessons from the past but let yourself trust a few people whom you can share your emotions with.
DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF
People might find you weak or needy when you show them your true self.
Clear your concepts dear.
You are not just pretty,smart,happy,kind girl ..you are also the dumb..cruel..sad..or depressing one in someone’s eyes and most probably in your own eyes.
These are just the perceptions.
You may feel hurt by someone’s perception of you.
NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFUL ..SMART YOU ARE ..THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ..ALWAYS BE SOME PEOPLE WHO WON’T FIND YOU THAT BEAUTIFUL ..THAT SMART.(including you)
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOME PEOPLE WHO WILL HURT YOU.
Accept this ..and try not to expect that everybody likes you and never hurts you.
Accept your feelings and think about it.
What’s the big deal.
Wear it with confidence.😎
Yes I am feeling hurt.I am feeling vulnerable (mind the words .. I used “I am feeling” not “I am”)
You don’t have to fear your feelings..these feelings are not your reality.
You might feel you are stupid someday and smart some other day.
Weak some day and strong another day.
The insight here is “you judge yourself to be weak … so you believe whole world thinks you are weak”
This thinking, maybe,was the result of some past conditioning but you started believing that it is your reality.
If this feeling of weakness was your reality how come you feel soo strong some days …like you are the centre of the world.
Don’t you!!
These emotions came to let you know ..you can never be static.
You and your surroudings will keep changing.
And accepting this as his will ..will keep you at peace.
Its all just a part of your growth.
Let people think what they think.
You are only responsible for what you think or do ..so instead of focussing on what they should have done or said.. focus on what you gotta do to make it better FOR YOU..
■If they are so close to you, they will definitely understand and they deserve to know how you feel.
As neither you can avoid them forever…nor you can just stay silent all your life.
Eventually you will give up your pretended “calm” and then the words will come out in the form of explosives.
■ If you don’t find yourself trusting them again with your confrontations and don’t share a close bond with them then maybe you should let go of them.
■ Some people can’t be dealt in any of these ways.
You can’t let go ..you can’t express.
Then do what you feel like in such a situation and keep praying.
He will handle it for you.
WE ARE DIFFERENT.. ACCEPT THIS
People have totally different kind of perception or thinking.
Everyone isn’t made the way you are.
I was unable to accept it and found myself always questioning Saibaba “Why don’t they know.. how I feel”
Baba made me realise ..I have given you the power of speech then use it ..speak up.Tell them how you feel ..if they matter to you.
Go trust them once again and tell them.
They are not gonna dream about it.
DON’T ASSUME JUST ASK
When I started letting people know ..it was so hard.
I was expressing now but something seemed wrong.
I sounded so rude.
Soon I found some things I said were just in my imagination..a terrible one ofcourse.
For example:
I felt hurt when my brother couldn’t find time to visit us at home.
He was away because of his job.
But I didn’t ask him “what’s the matter?”
Instead I just blamed him of “not caring at all”.
Here, I EXPRESSED but I didn’t let him EXPRESS.
I assumed already that I know what he means by doing this…
“I have got a job I have got my own life.So ,go get a life.Don’t bother me.”
I kept burning inside for a few months but didn’t try to know what was the truth.
When I came to know the truth ..it was.. He was hurt soo much that he couldn’t express himself.
He thought that I have already blamed him so why would I listen.
And mostly he was hurt..
“Did she knew me this much? That she couldn’t understand me at all”.
If I would have said “I need you bro .” instead of “You don’t care ..I hate you” ..he would have let me know what was going on with him.
Actually I had experienced that people just blamed me of some selfish motives without even asking me why I did what I did.
So I ended up doing the same thing..”Just assuming and blaming”.
I hated this when they did this to me but I didn’t realise I was doing the same with others.
So yah communication is necessary but try not to just assume things yourself and shout out to them as if you already know what they think.
Its blaming not communication.
If you really care and want to mend everything ..you have to hear them out too.
So say what you truly want to say.
Neither through the words of “anger” ..
nor through the indirect “comments” or gestures.
I know its hard but you will eventually be able to do this ,just trust Saibaba that if he provided you with what to do ..he will provide you with how to do it too.
Next important thing is..
Wait for a moment.. if you can’t control your reactions.
It will be better if you keep quiet when you are in” an erupting volcano” mood.
And speak after a few moments only.
My husband does that ..when he finds me jumping in anger he gets away .😅
And comes back when I have my calm back.
Then I can talk to him more intellectually ..less emotionally.
Teach yourself..you deserve this.
Nobody taught you how to talk ..how to express.
I remember I always found people either crying or boiling in anger when they had to express their hurt.
And I copied and pasted it in my life.
But its your choice darling… again.
You can change the way you have been operating.
Forget what you did in the past let us start afresh.
Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier.
You can choose some other.. better..healthier way …now.
Never let this slip out of your mind ..you make this world a better place with your expressions.
Be it your hurt or your love.
Never shut yourself away completely(you can take a break sometimes)
..or go injuring everyone with your word-swords.
Channel your emotions:
When you don’t know what to do.. when you are upset with someone or something and find no dare to confront them....find your interests to bring you back to stability.
Your interests ,your hobbies are given to you for a reason.
Maybe you feel good dancing..
I have found how my vibes got pleasant when I dance after a bad day.
My low mood tells me get in the bed and stay there.
I don’t feel energy to get up.
But then Baba tells me “come on lets dance”..💃
Just sway your body on your favourite tunes.
Maybe ..sing loudly..
..or write the heart out on a paper.
Or just pick up the book that has covered itself with dust.
Light a lamp and sit in front of it ..let all your hurt be burnt in that flame.
Or hug a pillow (my personal favourite) imagining your fav. person in place of pillow.(yah I am weird😂)
You can do anything you love.
Eat chocolate ..call an old friend.
Take a kitkat break😍
You spend more time holding emotions and overthinking or just stuffing them in the breif case of “will deal later”than you actually know.
Use that time in a hobby.🤩
SAI THE OCEAN OF COMPASSION
All these hurts ..these lessons which seem like never ending and soo soo painful will be meaningful one day ..believe me.
Trust him ..he truly wants you at true peace by challenging your peace.
You will never try to be better if you are never challenged.
When nothing else works..
CHANT HIS NAME..
Chant his name like its your cure.
Chant his name like you are addicted to it.
Chant his name as its the only light you can see.🪔
This universe is working for you to get stronger ..peaceful ..happier.
Keep this in your mind and let it work on you.
Express yourself with the correct words.
You deserve peace so let it all flow in the art or expressions or towards Sai maybe.
He will let you see what suits you in a given situation.
Which is your pattern of expression?
I am sure we all have some things which we keep repeating ..write and find out yours.
Is it crying ..Is it anger ..Is it some world of your hobby …or is it back bitching (yah that’s a way too😅).
Be honest and let yourself know what you do.Is it healthy?
I do all of them..(honestly) but the graph of hobby and letting them know is peaking with each passing day ..yah Sai effect.😊
Share your emotions with me too and write in the comment box below.😍or you can write to me here.
You may like to read the similar post Change and Saibaba.
Take care, stay safe..
Keep loving him.
Let this beautiful face bloom with a smile.🌺
A smile which reaches your eyes.😊
Om sairam☺
SaiTruth 
3 responses to “Express your hurt!!”
I binge watch series or movies for like straight 14-15 hrs..vdout even sleeping.🤣N at the end when tired call out Deva…n surprisingly jo issue unsolvable lagta tha…it got cleared up so fast…n I wonder why didn't I remember him earlier.❤️❤️❤️
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Jai Sainath
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Omsairam🙏🙂
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