Om Sairam 🙏
It’s been a tough time for me from last few months. I can’t understand why it’s happening. Or maybe I understand but I am not ready to face the truth.
But, really what is the truth?? Have you wondered lately?
The difference between what we are taught in childhood and what the world teaches us after we grow up
This is the thing which freaks me out. I took the teachings from my childhood way too seriously , because they felt like real. The teachings of not lying to anyone, not hurting anyone , treating everyone kindly , and many more.
But what I saw ,when I hit 18 ..or maybe before that … that people abuse people in the name of truth. People lie to take advantage. People ignore people in need. They help people who can benefit them later and call this “kindness” . People don’t trust anyone and call it ‘practicality’ ..while people like me who were confused at this new kind of teachings became “insane and childish” for them. This beautiful life I dreamt of became hell in a few years .
My dreams got shattered. I got rejections …I got cheated by many. Many took advantage of me as I trusted their words. And much more.
It was not the case that I was treated as a princess from my childhood. I was treated well but there were alot of experiences scattered over my young years that were really too painful and devastating ..still something inside me kept believing till its last breath.
I believed when one of my near and dear one sexually abused me . I believed that this person had someone called God in him ..even after all those bad things he did to me.
I believed when people talked ill of me , that they love me alot and this is just a phase and soon they will realise that I mean their well.
I lied sometimes and I believed that people will realise that what I believed in is way more important than speaking truth always.
I believed that people will choose beautiful nature over a beautiful face ..someday.
It must be true if I say there was something inside me which kept me alive always .. and the flame of my hopes never went off.
I feel tired
Now at the age of 30 , I feel tired ..tired of fighting with my practical mind which learns way too fast all the things it sees happening around. I have tried my best to overcome my weaknessess but it seems its not enough .
Saimaa has always backed me up . But he says , I have to face the results of the deeds done in past or past births. And really it feels exhausting.
This fight is never ending and sometimes I forget what I am fighting against is not a person ..but their beliefs. And I just get lost into the darkness.. hurting people ..hurting myself.
Well , as a consequence I had a panic attack on 31st. I started crying and it started raining outside. I was in the hospital and I stepped out after calling my husband to pick me up. I see no one when such episode occurrs ..only him.. and Sai.
I had my phone and a notebook in my hand and I did not take my bag with me as I did not want anyone to see me crying like this ..gasping for air.
I went out to wait under a tree . But , my emotions were too intense and without thinking , I started walking into the heavy rain. Everyone seemed staring at me thinking me to be an insane person.It didn’t matter to me as I had this anger inside me boiling me up and it wanted an escape. I kept walking and stopped under a tree only when my husband called .
I told him where I was and he took me home.
There are people who care for a stranger
I noticed one thing , when I was feeling angry with the world and Sai as I felt there is nothing called as trust and love, Sai made me see that it’s not the truth.
4-5 people took efforts to come and stop their vehicles near me and ask me to tell them where I wanna go. One auto bhaiya said “I don’t want any charge ,madam please sit inside otherwise you will fall ill.”
One person on byk came and said “Why are you crying sister ? If you have some problem please tell me how can I help. I have a sister like you at home and I don’t want to see her like this ever. ”
So, this world is not so bad.
There are people who care ..even for a stranger.
The thoughts which terrified me
I was surprised the kind of energy I felt at that time. So, it’s clear to me that depression is not always about low energy but using that energy to destroy. Though I was crying but I could do anything in that moment. One thought of throwing myself in front of the traffic came with a strong proposal. It seemed so easy , that everything would be fine if this occurrs. But , what about the consequences .. Its a road traffic not some train that I would be finished in one strike. What if I survived , who would take all this pain .
But , this thought of finishing myself away , really terrified me. It had an alien structure but felt like my own.
Here I was .. who motivates the world and now see what kind of thoughts I am having.
All this proves .. mind is a beautiful servant but a dangerous master.
The movie : Raya and the last dragon!
After coming home .. mood was strange ..felt like crying and sleeping then waking up and crying and then sleeping again.
There are times , when days seem like nightmares. Like something off the track is happening . And I can find nothing else but seeing an animated movie . It was ” Raya and the last dragon” .
Story was centered around a girl named Raya who believed in everyone as her father told her that we have to trust others first , then only they will trust over us.
Well , he wanted to unite 5 different kingdoms so trusting them he calls each of the 4 kingdoms to theirs for a feast. But, things went out of the hand and people of other kingdom stabbed a knife in his back ..they cheated and as a result he became a stone.
Raya survived .
She grew up in the search of a dragon who could bring her father back. When she finds the dragon ,she was amazed on the kind of belief that dragon had… just like her father’s.
“To trust others with the death”
It’s not so easy ..what it sounds like.
But ,the dragon, even after getting cheated many times ..never left trusting people. It was a strange kind of feeling ..watching such a movie when I lost trust over people. When I felt everyone was selfish and no one cares.
That dragon and raya taught me , that the world I dream about is not just a dream .Those people who cared to stop in that heavy rain , told me that there is something good left in this world. And though I can’t see it rightnow but I will someday.
If walking on the Sai’s path is not the choice I took ..then this life seems useless.
And I won’t ever let Baba feel this , that he wasted so much of his energy and efforts on such a kid who got wasted.
You are not alone
You are never alone into this. Do what you are doing for yourself but never feel that nobody cares. There will always be someone , to whom you mean their world.
I thought , my husband won’t come as it was raining and he had a byk (not a car) that day. But , when I saw him on the byk heavily drenched in the rain just like me ..I felt peace ..that yess someone is there who has the guts to walk beside me when I am walking in the dark and not just walk but hold me and not let me fall.
Sai , you only know how I got such a beautiful partner. You only know.
Escape is not an option now!
Now , you have come soo faar there is no returning back. Don’t fear of growing . You can’t fit into the older space now , as your energy has grown alot . You can’t go back ,so walk ahead . Walk with all the hope in your hand. You can handle it easily . This struggle is not anything in front of the energy you carry dear. You can’t escape now.
I have always escaped when toxicity and negativity around me grew too much and when I felt that I am alone fighting this toxicity ..and everyone else seems getting through it so easily.
I quit my last two jobs just because of this .. but not now .
I won’t escape ..I will hold on to Sai’s feet this time. If this is a lesson , let me go through it.
The entry to this lesson seems terrifying and large but I know it isn’t so scary from inside. As fear is nothing but a scary monster who is scared himself . He appears scary when we imagine him to be. But , in reality it isn’t anything in front of us. Trust me. It will be like a cake walk, for you have Sai within you.
Trust Sai and start taking his name
Just remember Sai and go ahead. I promise I will go ahead too .. let us create a beautiful world within each of us ..that way only we will build a beautiful world on this Earth.
I don’t say that we will never get tired again , but yes there will be a strange kind of trust within us in the upcoming days that will keep us going in the heavy rains also .
He can never see you cry but yes he wants you to never cry like this. It feels good if he wipes away your tears ..but it feels awesome when you take his name and wipe away your tears yourself because you know Sai is not somewhere far but within you always.