Hey, Sai friends.. Yah again a long gap on my side. I apologise for that. But , day by day I think my wait for my juniors won’t get over.
There was update last month that new batch of pgs will be joining soon in november. But , court put a stay over this. Well, I and so many more residents like me are utterly frustrated. Some tried suicide attempts too. No wonder , I had similar depressive phase two months back.
Well, now I have put away any kind of hope . I just live by this thinking ..that I came here to work .. and thats the truth.. I came here to live in the situations Saimaa will make me to live in . I came here by my choice . So, if my life is not meant to be easy , let it be. I will work like that .. 16 hours a day 7 days a week .. daily continuously ..I will.
And, I am not going to quit this just because I get tired. I will leave work , I will ask my collegues to help. I will give rest to myself however possible . But , I won’t leave. Let seniors do what they are good at.. and I will cry and maybe curse too but I won’t let my hardwork and time go to bin.
I will get a degree and do what I am here for … to earn money !
Seriously , do you think I will live for that .😂
No yar ,there is nothing bad to have aim of earning money . But , my mind doesn’t let me settle in this much . It wants some other higher gratification…
My questions to Sai ..a way to get myself crushed more!
I am a different kind of personalities. Sometimes , I feel if I am that Sidney sheldon character .. with multiple identity syndrome. I get drained up at work , and feel frustrated at Sai. Why is he not listening to us.
And then I come at my room and while going to sleep or some moments in between , I ask Sai ” I give up so easily , I put my frustration over people who are weak , then how come I be a true healer?” Sai maa I have called myself a healer , but as Baba puts pressure over me , I break so easily that I seem like a devil much much more ..and much much far away from the range of healers.
Its true , one of my sai friends said “we sit in a quiet place comfortably and think we are so much spiritual and kind hearted , we love all. While the truth appears when we are hit by real life situations. We are so so much selfish and cruel and what not.
I have find out , how false our image is that we love so much .. I think people who know people think bad about them are so much more better than me.. they stay true to others face.
And people like me are so complicated that they walk a path and get so lost that they forget why and where they started. 😂
I think I am a good human . And then I am put in such a situation ..and I react harshly ..inhumanly. and then I go into a guilt trip and do something nice to make myself feel good about me. Then again I think I am a good human.
What a mess 😅
Well this will keep on going. Nowadays , my mind tells me “By the way you are not incharge,nothing is in your control . So , let it be nice ..or let it be ruined. Who cares. ”
“Sai ne chaha hoga to sab sahi hoga”
It’s like you are stuck somewhere dark and suffocating and you think why Sai is not letting you see the morning light!
Why is he preventing you , putting more rocks and traps your way. Because you feel you know there is light on that side ! And this is the time that the path should be cleared now . Its been a long ..long wait .
But,you don’t know the ” you” that is needed to walk out of that cave should be brave enough to face that bright light! Be brave enough to face those dangers that lie outside.
“Just live day by day ! ”
Sai is working on our life ..I actually don’t know . Sai is with us , My heart says so ..but I really don’t know.
But, there is something inside me that I can’t get angry at him anymore. I feel sad and I cry , still there is a feeling that says “ALL is happening for you” and I fall prey to this thinking again and again.
Tday ,I won’t say don’t quit . I will say , if he is with you , he won’t ever let you .
And my feeling says he is with you.
Om Sairam 🥰