Hey Sai freinds . I am not such a fan of shouting on anyone and speaking harshly as I have a deep belief that hurting people hurts Saimaa too . But , even anger is a tool that if used at the right place does more good than harm.
Fearful me !
I am still a child from inside. How I felt scared in childhood from the incidents that left a mark on my mind that reminds me that people are not always what they seem to be. I was abused many times . I think every girl and now even boys have gone through some abuse in their childhood . Rarely there would be someone who had utterly safe childhood where nobody tried to touch them badly.
After marriage , I felt safe as now I was out of the “being attractive” definition . I gained weight . But , my thinking was to be proved wrong as they say ” It doesn’t matter what you look like or what age you are ! Some people with bad intentions just want to abuse you somehow. It really doesn’t matter to them who you are. How ironical is this , that people with purest heart and worst heart have the same criteria . IT DOESN’T MATTER.
I always felt , if some guy in train touched me at places I did not ever allow to touch someone ..then it’s my fault. No one except my elder sister tried to teach me that “I can speak ” . But I never told anyone about these kind of incidents , so she could not support me and build confidence in me ever.
Now , as a mature person , I know why this happened. Still , I stay silent when someone tries to insult my modesty.
And my self esteem was going low and low as my childhood me was getting sadder and sadder by the day , she was loosing trust in me that I could never stand for myself.
The concert day
We had a concert in our college and a well known punjabi singer was coming that night to perform. My few friends from UG were with me. You can imagine the kind of crowd they have at concerts. People were just pushing each other through the gate to get inside first. I am scared of such crowds , now you know the reason why .. and I tried to cross that gate decently when I felt a hand near my hips trying to get closer .. I felt shocked and I got back as I had a glance at that boy who was trying to do that just to get in first . He thought , I will get back and he was right . He succeeded in his attempts .. as I moved back to save myself a lifetime of self guilt and mental torture . I was angry.. so much angry but I could not say anything as he disappeared in the crowd in seconds.
Finally , I took courage again and I got in. But my mind was still there , scolding me ” At the age of 31 , having support of so many people .. why could you not do the right thing. And then you dream of opening a home for girl children . How will you help them if you can not stand for yourself.You could have just crushed him there only. Why didn’t you? ”
We could not find seats as we were late . So, we were standing in a row and people who were coming from the gate were passing us .
As I was trying to forget all this .. suddenly someone crossing behind me touched me on my hips. Ohh… God only knows what rage I felt. When I turned back he was gone away in crowd. I was boiling up in anger . And then I suddenly realised that alike the other things in my life .. I can give this anger to Sai . I closed my eyes .. though there was noise around but I could hear no more as I was not present there but in the past. All those things that have happened to me where I could do nothing ever.. thinking of all that made me feel like victim .. how pathetic I felt .. how miserable I felt.. my anger rose to a peak and finally I gave it to baba. And prayed “Let thy wish be done.”
Within a few minutes , I saw the same guy coming again towards me . We were three girls standing there. And he wanted to do this again. As he came closer, I had my back towards him and I saw his hand moving towards me . I pushed him powerfully . Everybody around me looked at me , and I could feel that lava of burning anger flowing through my face . My eyebrows and my facial expressions became like a mad woman and I shouted abuses over him. He angrily replied he did not do anything. We were not audible due to the ongoing concert.. but everybody knew what would have happen. I told him to move away from there otherwise consequences won’t be good. Other boys took him away.
Though I did not slap or do anything else but you know this was a new beginning for me. I felt empowered. When we came out , Sai gave me another chance. We complained to a teacher about him and thankfully he supported us and told us that “We should have slapped him .”
His words made me stronger .. when he said “Never take such an abuse lightly , just respond and do what you can, and this is such a safe place , you should never fear.Slap or throw him away , call someone for help. But do react.”
Baba Sai opened a door that I could not since so long. How I tell you , how I felt afterwards. Ohh , it was so releiving. Like a weight has been lifted off of me.😇
I felt blessed.
ITS ALL PLANNED
If you belive in intuition , you will note something happening with your body when some danger is around. I felt stomach pain earlier that evening. But , I said its ok if baba wants me to go ..I will go to that concert..as my friend would have felt bad if I did not. Secondly , I as a resident could have gone on the first floor where all residents were there .. but I could not inspite of my attempts to call them and other people as I could not find the stairs.. funny enough that it was my UG college with which I was well familiar .
Thirdly , no one offered me a seat , there are so many juniors whom I know .. but I could not find a single one then. And , after a few days , one intern told me how she was seating one row behind me and shouted out to me for seat alot of times but her voice did not reach me.
That is why when you learn a lesson and overcome your old patterns , a bad expereince becomes uplifting one. And only I know how this expereince changed me.😊
Today we celebrated krishna janmashtami at our HOD’s place. I felt so calm ..it was a wow expereince. I will write about it in next post. 😇
Till then stay in guru kripa always. Om Sairam !