Last year I was preparing for the competitive exam for getting into post graduation after MBBS..that is..prepg exam.
I was scared.I have faced failure the last time.
And everyone of my friends were already in..doing their post graduation.
Its too much ..when you know you were a star in the past and then you hit the rock bottom.
I was good in MBBS but then suddenly a failure..
I was so gloomy that I asked Sai to give me a hint if I deserve any success or not.
It was more of like a dhamki (threat).🤭
“Ap bata do ki m successful ho jaungi is bar tohi mai start kru preparation”
(Do tell me first that you are gonna make me successful this time then only I will start my preparation)
Baba showed me some dreams.. on continuous 4 or 5 nights maybe ..that I am in a hospital treating patients..mostly I saw pregnant ladies and kids.
Though I was always doubtful about every dream I had but still my heart was not ready to give up on Sai ..who has made my life so much less miserable.
I started preparing ..but it was not so easy.
I had to go through everything again ..thinking this made me crazy.
Its like I felt I don’t have that juice in me anymore.. I felt I am old and my memory has deteriorated 😂 ..so I can’t study the way I did before.Yah these are just the excuses of our mind.
I ordered baba’s books to motivate me ..so that I can find a time for solace in my busy routine.
I was not tired of studying ..I was tired of worrying and past conditioning.
It was too heavy like you can’t control your mind at all..howsoever hard you try..negativity will enter your heart somehow.
It was that phase.
The panic attacks took their toll on me .
You will laugh at my condition if I tell you ..
I used to get anxious seeing the darkness out of my window.. at night.
Yah.. that kind of phobia of dark like I am trapped and gonna die of this darkness and why the hell there is no sunlight ..
I will close my eyes and pray to Sai..”Baba please make it alright..please”
After a few minutes of chant I will talk to myself “Its alright ..you are not going to die ..its just night dear..no need to be afraid of it ..Your baba is everything ..if he is light.. he is dark too .So why fear something which is a part of Sai.”
And you will be surprised my husband was with me but somehow he couldn’t help me in these anxiety attacks.
So..its well said ..nobody can make you alright but you(Sai).
And after self talk.. I will be fine but scared that it will happen again so I used to go to sleep asap.
Baba’s books came and I started reading.
It was the addiction I had to have.. to get off my mind of my anxiety..
But it made me really addictive ..soon I found myself spending too much time in Sai books.
It happens with me always ..maybe everyone.
Whenever I go astray ..some voice inside me always warns me I am heading on the wrong path.
But I mostly reject that voice.
So ..this time too Baba warned me from my inner voice..but when I did not pay attention..
..he had to take some other way to convey the same message.
I was reading the book as usual and though it felt like I should sleep ..but I kept reading ..till it came to a chapter where Baba came in a devotee’s dream and told him..
“I am always by your side..but don’t expect I will do your tasks for you.Your destiny is in your hands.You have to do things yourself.
And if you help yourself ..I will be standing with a glass of warm milk for you.”
These words came as a slap from Baba to brush off the illusion I was carrying..that he will do everything for me.
It was like I wanted him not just to accompany me but to walk the path for me.
I tried to grasp it in.
Baba has helped me like a mother or a best friend … who shows you the right path ..but when you don’t listen ..(s)he slaps and hits you too ..in his case ..with the satka of his love.☺
But its a blessing that he considers us so own ..that he uses all means to turn us into a better being not for his but our own welfare.
So ..if you are worrying you are doing something wrong maybe..just imagine putting that task to baba’s feet and ask him to make you realise.
Rest assured ..he will take care.
I can’t thank him enough ..even now he keeps slapping and when I help myself ..he keeps the warm milk ready for me.😍
Will talk more about my last year.. later.
If you are trying to change your life..I wish you best of efforts and luck.I wish you success.
Meet you with some sweet sai devotees experiences in the next article.
Stay safe in his blessings.