Again I had one of those creepy panic attacks a few days back ..where I couldn’t control what I was doing. And my mind would made me feel like I am certainly going to die soon 😭.
Hello dear Sai souls , I pray for your well-being and hope you are safe wherever you are.
Doesn’t it hit us ? Why some strange things happen to us sometimes. And we keep wondering ; why ? But why?
Well I had such a day or I shall say evening , or night ..hehe.
Panic attacks ..the past history
I always had panic attacks whenever I found it too difficult to embrace a change in my life. I told you earlier , I am mostly afraid of “being left alone by people” ..my own people.
The first one that I can remember , occurred when I was in 8th class . I was tensed about my studies.. as the final exams were nearing. So, I started to have panic attacks during my sleep.
Yes, during sleep. My mom would tell me afterwards ..how I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and demanded some sweets from her. While I could not recall ..making such a scene 😅. Initially I thought , mom was just kidding. But, when it became more of a continuous thing ..I could remember some part of those episodes happening at night. Sometimes , I would stand up and run towards the main gate of my home to run away , yelling “save me ..save me” .
Are panic attacks a means to let out the build up stress?
Later on , when my sister ,who was so close to me ..went away after being married , I would jump out of bed at night calling for her and trying to open the gate of my room .My mom will hold me and calm me down ..and that’s when I would return back to my senses.
It was when I could understand that it’s the procedure of my mind to let my stress out. As I was too shy to let someone know what I was feeling inside.
Well it went away on its own.
Saibaba and tackling the panic attacks
Then came Shirdi Saibaba in my life and in my final year of MBBS , again it started. I would wake up and find the lights of my room switched on ..while the last I could remember was that I slept after turning them off.
I felt scared at first. Slowly I could understand what was happening when I could recall what happened the last night. I would feel suffocating and it was a horrible feeling , though it lasted a few minutes maybe , but it was none lesser than feeling of being in hell. Like everything is going to end and you feel so so sad and depressed and like dying.
I really can’t express what I felt . But, chanting Sai Sai always gave me relief .
The reason !
Maybe , people like me who think alot .. are vulnerable to these kind of things ..who think every kind of negative possibility in each thing . And feel the worst peaks of the saddest possible feelings. The exact reason , I still don’t know .But, Saibaba and only Baba could alleviate this pain of mine. The pain which originally does not exist but my mind made it so.
When your mental symptoms turn into physical ones ..they manifest into anxiety attacks or panic attacks .
I was lost in thinking about why this happened to me .Because this time the severity was really high . Why Sai will let me suffer like this ? He must have some reason .He is not like that villain who would laugh at my condition and say “mogambo Khush hua!” 😅. Then why ?
And I got my answer last night, when in my emergency duty , one teen girl came to me . Her mother telling me about her daughter’s condition .
Me: “What happened ?”
Mother:” She complains of difficulty in breathing .She also has headaches and she would get unconscious sometimes not responding to anything we say. Why is this happening to her doctor ? Please check her.”
I checked her saturation ..auscultated her lungs.Everything was fine. There was not a sign telling me that something is wrong with her .She was sitting there well and fine . Just her eyes were slightly red .
Me:” Everything is fine . I do not think anything is wrong with her. Is she having some stress from sometime ..some issue..
Mother:” But she doesn’t even sleep at night and this distress happens at night only . Please do something !”
“Yes , her best friend’s mother died recently cause of corona. And she keeps asking me , how will her friend survive without her mother. ”
My mind instantly hit the rewind mode and I could picture myself at her place .. having those panic attacks feeling suffocated and not believing anyone that “I am alright”. How do they know I am alright .. I am not feeling ok at all.😓
And in a second I figured out what was happening with her .🤔
Sai is the solace
Baba made me say something to her which was maybe a message to me instead .As the words flowed out of my mouth they hit me back into my heart .
“Nothing is wrong with you dear , your friend is in trouble. And that’s why you are feeling so sad that your mind is making you feel bad. But don’t you dare believe it at all. If you would stay so low , how would you help your friend in this tough time. You are her hope yar ..come on now .Don’t worry at all. Nothing wrong can happen to you. You are here to help her .You can survive this. Just be calm and believe that everything is fine with you. Everyone is around you. We will take care of you dear. But you have to decide , are you here to succumb to your weakness or for becoming a pillar for others in their tough times?”
I said a lot more and I don’t know if she could receive it all but yes it made something inside me feel more alive . The depression of these last days …crawled away .😇
Sai only knows why such episodes happen and how he joins these scattered dots. How he made me a doctor of such a kiddo who was feeling the same way her doctor was three days back. And it’s really amazing how my words were coming out deeply from my soul.. because I could really feel being there at her place. And that’s it ..maybe this is the purpose of our pain. Isn’t it!
Take care dearies .
That’s all for today .
I pray to Sai to give us all strength to hold on in this panicking time .🙏
I pray that we help each other out ..because this is why we came here.
You can go through the first ever post of this site in the form of anchor episode here 👉 Who you choose to be
You can watch this soothing video from Jaya wahi Di 👉 A prayer in Corona times
Take care , stay safe.
Om Sairam 😇🙏