Om Sairam dear friends..
I feel awake today after alot of days of sleeping with ignorance.
The day I started walking on Sai path ..I am judging people ..judging them for their actions ..for their opinions…for their advices.
Earlier it was ..I didn’t even know, what I was doing.. was wrong, except for a faint voice of Baba always making me feel bad criticising people.
Then I got upgraded to “seeing” my criticisms my judgemental thoughts but this upgrade was my illusion I think.
As now I criticised people who criticise other people.
What the hell was going on really.🤔
Then Baba let me know.. that I am the same as before .. just people whom I targeted were different now… and it’s even worse now, as they are the people whom I love the most.
The people whom I supported in back bitching earlier are backbitched by me now.Just wow!!
What an upgrade I had!!
Now that I saw that I was criticising even now ..
I thought about it ..I saw my thoughts but I was not able to let them go ..as much as I want to.
It’s an indication for me to remember…
“If I could control my thoughts myself ..why the hell would I be devoted to Sai ..I would have said who is this Sai ..I don’t need anyone ..I am self dependent.”
Only Baba has a way to destroy this ego that rises so high in between that I start to think myself as the queen.. who knows and controls everything in her mind.
Today Baba made me realise ..how I was imposing my views on others ..those who needed affection and compassion were becoming victims to my “spiritual knowledge”.
Baba said to me ..
“The people you are trying to change ..are soo much wounded that they can’t see what you are trying to do ..You want to operate on their heart (to change it) but they are in a situation that they are dying of blood loss already of the bleeding wounds.
What are you trying to do beta ..
What do you want to prove that your Baba used to inflict wounds on people’s hearts ..and taught you the same.”
I feel so ashamed and feel like how stupid I am to not see it that way.
If I am able to see the truth doesn’t mean others are too ..what right do I have to show them the truth ..which I don’t even know is true for their situation.
Baba has healed my wounds and that’s why it’s easy for me.
Its just his grace nothing else ..no talent of mine.
Mother Teresa said ..
“If you want to change the world ..go home and love your family.”
And I was trying to change my family as I thought letting them know “where they are wrong” will change them.
While all I was doing was ..becoming obsessive and making people “Just like me”.
I forgot she mentioned “love your family” not “change your family.”
How deep a message can feel when you actually see what it intends to tell you.
I pray for people like me who get lost so many times ..but Baba brings them back.
When my dear ones used to ask me earlier “how come you got into Sai devotion?” I always stood dumbfounded..
But I found the answer today .. what to tell them the next time.
I always felt bad “why don’t they understand my devotion??”
But now I feel like all my pride of being a sai devotee was to get dissolved away slowly and let me know that..
“I did not choose him ..
This devotion is not my choice..
actually I was drowning.. I was dying and as I tried to hold something to survive and I got someone’s hand and it was Sai’s ..
I am a miserable and pathetic creature who doesn’t even know how to live let alone knowing the spirituality and devotion stuff ..
but Baba made her bloom into a beautiful flower..I did not choose him ..I found him when I was dying..”😭
Baba showed a dream last year.. where the rising sun was green coloured and a parrot was yellow- orange coloured (the colour of the rising sun) ..
He said “live like her and tell me what is so wrong about it?”
It was when I judged my sister about some aspect of hers.
And my ignorance melted away that day..only to rise again..in other aspects.
“Let the sun be orange and the parrot be green..
Let them be what they are ..you are not here to change them ..but love them as they are.
And trust me if you love them truly..your love will change them for good ..if it’s meant to happen..give love because you are receiving abundant from Sai..
not because you feel they have flaws that should be changed.
Let me decide what to change, what not to.
And yes..Don’t worry about yourself as your Baba will never let you feel empty or alone.”
This dream occurred last year but I deeply understood what he meant..today.
Let Sai keep this in my mind forever
“I am here to love people..not to change them.”
I am feeling relieved of a weight now..as these thoughts of what to do.. what not to do were troubling me from last few weeks.
My mind was on overdrive.
But now its alright.
I pray for all of us to understand the things he want us to.
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Let his will be done forever.
As only he knows the best.